Top O' the Mornin'

By Terry Maddox
Published on Friday, November 20, 2009 9:39 AM CST

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Friend and fellow publisher Phil Vega writes in the Sierra Vista (AZ) Herald about “clever signs I wish I’d actually seen.”

• At a Music Store: Out to lunch. Bach at 12:30. Offenbach sooner.

• At a Pizza Shop: Seven days without pizza makes one weak.

• At a Towing Company: We don’t charge an arm and a leg. We want tows.

• At the entrance of a Large Machinery Plant: Warning to young ladies: If you wear loose clothes, beware of the machinery. If you wear tight clothes, beware of the machinist.

• Billboard on the side of the road: Keep your eyes on the road and stop reading these signs.

• Church sign: To remove worry wrinkles, get your faith lifted.

• Gym sign: Merry Fitness and Happy New Rear!

• In a Beauty Shop: Dye now!

• In a Laundromat: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.

• In a Non-Smoking Area: If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.

• In a Pennsylvania Cemetery: Persons prohibited from picking flowers from any but their own graves.

• In a Veterinarian’s Waiting Room: Be back in five minutes. Sit! Stay!

• In an Office: Would the person who took the stepladder yesterday kindly bring it back or further steps will be taken.

• In the Vestry of a New England Church: Will the last person to leave please see that the perpetual light is extinguished.

• In the window of an Oregon General Store: Why go elsewhere to be cheated, when you can come here?

• Inside a Bowling Alley: Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop.

• Maternity Clothes Shop: We are open on Labor Day.

• On a Church Door: This is the gate to Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)

• On a Music Teacher’s Door: Out Chopin.

• On a New York convalescent home: For the sick and tired of the Episcopal Church.

• On a Repair Shop Door: We can repair anything. (Please knock hard - bell out of order.)

• On an established New Mexico Dry Cleaning Store: 38 years on the same spot.

• Outside a Country Shop in West Virginia: We buy junk and sell antiques.

• Outside a Hotel: Help! We need inn-experienced people.

Terry Maddox is the publisher of St. Tammany News.

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